I almost didn’t have a blog for you today, folks. I worked from home yesterday, and it threw off my internal schedule enough that I forgot about blogging until I was about to pass out at the end of the day.
I’ve been feeling distracted this week, which is a problem. I have so much to get done, work-wise, and not enough time to do it in to begin with. I can’t afford to lose time to lack of focus.
I keep losing track of what day of the week it is, too, which isn’t helping. As I’m writing this on the bus on my way to work, I find I have to keep reminding myself that it is not, in fact, Friday.
I’m just in a weird brainspace, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. Ordinarily my response in these situations is to just muscle through, but with this new job, it feels like the stakes are higher if I fail, and muscling through feels like an inadequate solution.
So what do you do, friends, when you have a lot to get done and your brain doesn’t want to cooperate?
Last month I mentioned that I got a promotion. I’m now project manager for my tiny IT department. Where I was primarily doing direct user support around our client database, I’m now responsible for taking our request list for changes and improvements to the database (a list which stretches back at least three or four years) and actually getting things checked off of it. And I’m still doing direct user support, because we don’t have a replacement for that position in the building yet.
It’s all very exciting, and I’m glad to be in a position where I can develop some skills and learn others. But it’s also rather overwhelming, because in the past couple of weeks I feel like my slow easing into the position has started to exponentially pick up speed. I was expecting this, for the most part, but it’s still been a bit of a wild ride.
I’ve been so, so tired this week. I’m mostly blaming allergies (which had plenty of time to wreak havoc before it snowed again), but that’s also made it difficult to do much outside of work. I haven’t been particularly productive. I’m trying to balance self-care and the rest of life, and it’s a constant juggling act that I haven’t quite mastered.
So this is me taking a brief break to come up for air and acknowledge the rest of the world outside of my windowless office. Everything I need to get done at work feels very pressing, very urgent and important, but as long as I can hang onto the perspective I gained when working at a hospital – that no one will die if I fuck something up – then I think I’ll be okay. Yes, my ability to do this job well will have a pretty big impact on a lot of the other employees in my organization, which is something I don’t take lightly (truly, it’s more than a little terrifying). But no one will die.
I’m having a bit of an off week, it seems.
I stayed home on Tuesday because I was starting to feel sick. I wanted to do the same thing Wednesday, but I recognize I need to use my sick days extremely sparingly until surgery in October, so I went back to work.
I’m just…really struggling to care. About work, in particular. The rest of my life is pretty interesting. I think there are just a lot of things I’d much rather be doing, and work is not super compelling these days. I have things I can work on, but I don’t feel especially engaged in my job. I’m just sort of getting by.
I need this job, and I need to stick it out at least through the end of the year – where else will I find such conveniently placed holidays to schedule surgery around? But I’m not enjoying it.
I’m also just really over the heat and humidity. It’s not as bad this week as it was last week, but the weather is definitely not helping with my lack of motivation. It’s also making me pretty achy and ornery, and that’s not particularly enjoyable, either.
Mostly, I’m trying not to be sick and not being entirely successful. My head feels like it’s full of cotton balls, and so even if I was remotely motivated, it would be hard to focus on much of anything.
In happier news, we’re planning to go see Ghostbusters again with friends this weekend, and I am super excited for that. Potential bowling hangouts after the movie are also a reason to smile. (Bowling is one of those rare activities I can absolutely suck at, but still enjoy.) I’m also expecting new glasses to arrive at the end of the week. I ordered them online, and just kind of had to guess at how they’ll look on me. This could be a disaster. Thank goodness for free return shipping!